Dear
God,
I
have been thinking a lot of last breaths and the visuals of gasping for air. I
remember avoiding my mother like it would make her cancer go away. Fortunately,
I finally accepted that fact that the first person closed to me to die would be
the closest person I knew. I will never give away the memories of her. Even the
ones of me sitting by her in the Hospice room watching her struggle at each
breath. Each breath looked as if it was the last one. Deeper than I have ever
had or seen. Breaths deep enough to shake her entire body. I remember seeing
her mouth and tongue so dry that they were colored chalk white.
I
just sat in silence watching her periodically over three days. But you know
that you were there with me.
I
didn’t think about much when I was there. Numbness was the feeling of the week.
To be honest I did not know at the time that people don’t come home from
hospice. I fully expected this to be just another trip to the hospital that she
would come home from. She swore she would make it to my wedding and she did. I
thank you for that. The following week after the wedding she swore she would
never give up. I still believe she never did. When she woke up with fifteen to
twenty minutes of clarity it was a true gift that you shared with us. I thank
you for that. When she past, there were tears. The sorrow was not like I thought it would be like. I think
because, for the first time in my life I wanted her peace over my selfishness
of her presence. That month Rebekah got
pregnant but that was your plan all along. Zachariahs was born and I cried that
he and her would never spend time together many times. But you know that too,
because you were there with me.
A
few months later when we would put him in his crib to sleep, he would be so
excited that he would laugh and kick and pull the blanket up to his neck. He
never cried when we would put him down to sleep or when he woke up in the
morning. The only thing I could think of is that’s when she gets her time to
spend and play with him and this makes him happy. In light of the tragedies that happened on
September 11th, it has brought all these thoughts to the front of my mind. I
think of the one of the greatest gifts I have gotten. The gift of goodbye.
I have heard many stories of this gift from the
victims of the World Trade Center and the planes that crashed into them. Many
last second phones calls of I love you and I will be okay. Not today, but
someday the recipients of this gift will reflect and hopefully be grateful of
which you have given them. I know that I thank you for the gift that was given
me. The gift of goodbye.
Just
as a side note to this story, I referenced that my mother vowed to never give
up. Well when she told us that we were at Peter Piper Pizza about a week before
she passed away. We were all joking about different pizzas we liked poking fun
at my dad (he doesn’t like pizza or foods with chicken.) My wife, Rebekah, told
my mom she would take her out to have BBQ chicken pizza someday. As I was
finishing writing this, the company that we both work for, bought pizza for
Rebekahs department. It was BBQ chicken pizza. I am truthfully eating it right
now. Thinking of you.
Written
by Lanis